Husband Calls For Tighter Restrictions On Pier One Imports

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, IL — Fed up with what he called an "unacceptably high influx" of wicker crap into the Pollan home, Arlington Heights husband John Pollan called for tougher restrictions on Pier One imports during a living-room press conference yesterday evening.

"If steps are not taken, this house will soon be overrun by end tables, pillowcases, glassware, throw rugs, bath towels, lamps and stationery," said Pollan, addressing his wife, Suzanne. "The flow of Pier One imports into this house must be significantly reduced, or I will order a total embargo on merchandise from that store, as well as a freeze on all joint credit-card accounts."